A friend of mine once said something that really made an impact on me: "Never trust a man who walks without a limp." This saying is so beautiful, if you understand the story from which it originates (it is one of my favorites).
In the 32nd chapter of Genesis (the first book in the Bible), the character Jacob is wrestling w/ an angel. Now this isn't your typical wrestling match that lasts a few minutes, maybe 5 at the most. No, this match lasts throughout the entire night! There's something interesting about the timing in which this took place, as well.
Earlier on in the story of Jacob's life, he took advantage of his brother, Esau, on two separate occasions. Now, this wasn't your typical, "Oh, Jacob charged a little extra interest on Esau's loan," kind of situation that we're talking about here. No. The first time, Esau was absolutely famished, so Jacob made a deal w/ him that he would give him some food in exchange for his birthright. "Fair is fair," one might say, though, as Esau did agree to this without hesitation ("I feel like I'm about to die. What good will my birthright do me?" - Gen. 25:32 [paraphrased]). The second time Jacob took advantage of Esau, however, he went right behind his back to do it. The longer version of the story is in Gen. 27:1-41, but to put it in short, Jacob went to his father, Isaac, pretending to be Esau so that he could get his brother's blessing (to put it in modern terms, he basically got Esau's portion of the will).
As you might imagine, Esau wasn't too happy about this (to put it more accurately, he wanted to kill Jacob, which would explain why Jacob took off running indefinitely). So, fast forward to where we left off. Genesis 32. Many years have passed since Jacob last saw his brother Esau, and he figured he would try to make amends w/ him. After Jacob sent his servants to Esau's home terrain w/ a message of reconciliation. The servants returned saying that Esau was coming to meet him...along w/ 400 other men. Needless to say, Jacob was rather terrified at this point. He sent away his servants and his family who carried all of his possessions w/ them, and we're left w/ the chilling, sobering words, "And Jacob was left alone," before the angelic visitor shows up for the showdown.
"(Do not) say in your heart, 'My power and the ability of my hand has gotten me this wealth. Remember the Lord your God, b/c He is the One Who gives you power to get wealth...," (Dt. 8:17-18)
Have you ever prided yourself in your abilities or your possessions? Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe you don't deserve half the credit you give yourself? As Jacob's wrestling match comes to an end, his competitor exclaims, "Let me go, already! The sun is about to rise!", but Jacob gives a resounding reply, "I will not let you go unless you bless me!" Why would Jacob ask for a blessing? He already got this from his father. What more could he ask for? A blessing from God, that's what. "No longer will your name be called Jacob, but Israel, b/c you have power like a prince w/ God and w/ men, and you have prevailed." (Gen. 32:28)
The heart of Jacob was nothing short of persistent, and he was blessed tremendously for this (as the Scripture goes, "The kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force." [Mt. 11:12]). This blessing did not come without a cost, however, and a great one, at that. Verse 25 of this chapter tells us that the stranger with whom he was wrestling touched the hollow of his thigh and put it out of joint, and we already know that Jacob was all by himself. To put it in short, Jacob had to be stripped of anything and everything until there was nothing left but him (ok, maybe not every single thing; the text seems to indicate he still got to keep his clothes, thank God). Jacob received a blessing from on high that would give him a sense of his true destiny - one that no man (not even his father), could give him - but he had to come to the utter end of himself to get there (and even then, the story tells us that he was left w/ a limp, probably as a solemn reminder from God to help keep him in humility).
So my friend said, "Never trust a man who walks without a limp," which is to say, never trust someone who acts like they have it all together. We are all broken vessels reeling from the fall. Our human efforts, no matter how noble, no matter how accoladed, still fall so short of the holiness, the splendor, the awesome power of Who God is (need some more Scriptures to chew on there? Ok - Rom. 3:23, Phil. 3:4-8, and while you're at it, consider Ex. 33:17-23 in light of Dt. 34:10). This is the art of gracefully coming undone, and the beauty of surrender.
"Great, Jimmy, but what does that have to do w/ the last two blogs?" Glad to hear you say that. I thought you'd never ask:) Throughout life, it's been easy for me to try to hide behind a shell of talents and potential, to say things just the right way so that people would like me, but still keep them at a safe distance. God's been teaching me a lot, however, about what it means to truly let go. It's not easy. I'm not gonna lie. There are still plenty of times when I want to keep my walls up, when I get frustrated trying to explain myself, when I feel like there's a wellspring of thoughts, ideas, opinions, and emotions within that I just don't know how to let out, when I want nothing more than to walk off to some cabin in the woods and drown myself in reading books, writing poems, playing my guitar, coming up with theories, solving puzzles, and just be left the heck alone. However.......I've come to believe that God makes each of us different in ways that benefit one another (so that we can learn to appreciate what each of us has to offer), and that require one another (lest we get too heady and highminded in our own right, thinking that we can make it through life just fine on our own).
I was recently at a Bible study that lasted a few hours. It's hard to say that there was a central point of discussion, even though we were all reading from a very specific passage. It was more like the conversation took various twists and turns, each of them enriching us with truth, despite how unrelated the wanderings of discussion may have seemed. Somebody brought up the point that walking in biblical community means living life without our masks (to paraphrase). "This is one of the things Scripture is talking about when it says 'iron sharpens iron'" the leader of the discussion pointed out. It suddenly hit me - iron sharpening iron, refining as gold, circumcision - the pictures God uses in Scripture to teach us about growth are anything but comfortable. Yes, there is a "balm of Gilead" to be poured out, but sometimes we forget that this anesthetic is administered after the surgery is finished.
I am reminded of something I've been saying for years, now, that if there's nothing that you're willing to die for, there's nothing you truly live for (that is, if you don't have a purpose in life that means so much to you that you would rather die than give it up, then you're obviously gripped by the fear of death; as long as fear has you in its grip, you will not know the fullness of life). Well, if I've been saying for so long that death is nothing to be afraid of, what's a little growing pain back down from, then? I will grow, I will move on in life, I will continue to have my struggles b/c I'm not perfect, but that's ok. I will live in such a way that no matter how hard I trip over myself and fall, my hope remains in Someone greater than myself. I'm learning to walk w/ a limp.
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